


The Pitiful Truth

by historiCthrenody (Cookieluv246)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Arguing, Caught, Comfort Sex, Denial, Denial of Feelings, Dry Humping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Hermaphroditic Trolls, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, M/M, Masturbation, My First Fanfic, One-Sided Relationship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Quadrant Confusion, Quadrant Vacillation, Sad, Self-Denial, Tentabulges, Troll Romance, Trolls, Xeno
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-23
Updated: 2014-01-14
Packaged: 2017-12-04 12:51:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/710970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cookieluv246/pseuds/historiCthrenody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Kankri Vantas, and you were for the first time in your life left speechless.</p><p>…That was not the response you had expected…at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh don’t mind me, just my first fanfic ever. No smut in this because I suck, but also no quirks because I suck even harder. bby.

You took a deep breath of satisfaction. You had finally done it, you've finally had someone listen to everything you had come to learn and research and speculate without them running away once! This was a monumental day for you; even miss Serket, who was much more tolerant of your serm--discussions, would abscond after some point or another, or rather get _distracted_ by a certain someone, shall we say. But that was neither here nor there, what mattered to you now was, getting to hear what your descendants opinion was on the matter.

"Now Karkat, I am very anxious as to hearing what you have to say on everything I've told you. You must have some opinions on everything, including your own experiences, correct?"

Nothing. He just kind of stood there--almost lost. Had he fallen asleep?...Can you even fall asleep in a dream bubble? His mouth kind of was left agape, but his eyes started to shift. So he was awake, but yet still no response.

"...Karkat?"

Oh no. Had you have perhaps triggered him sometime during your speech and he'd been like this, the whole time?! You should have been more careful-- why must you always butcher things up like this! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"I do apologize, have I perhaps triggered you after all? I shouldn't have been so rash, do allow me to apologize on the behalf of my--"

"Sorry."

He said rather feeble, his hand started grazing on his own cheek. He wasn't looking at you; he was playing with his hair for a moment when he started again,

"I heard everything you said. I..." He kind of side glanced you, "I actually don't really have anything to comment on. Everything was sort of... stuff I already knew, or your own theories which I couldn't really approve or disprove."

You had an urge to say something, but almost like he could read your mind he gave you this stern glare, which you did not expect but made you stop in your tracks. "What I'm not sure you realize is that...while your 'ideals' are well intended. There no longer is any relevance...at all. Our species is nearly extinct--everyone is dead... _including you_. But instead of coming to terms with that, you're still stuck in the past of what might have been plausible issues at one point. But what even is the point of all this? Nothing will change either way! We'll be erased by the universe and no one will know what a "troll" is--so none of the issues will exist soon enough..."

...

Your name is Kankri Vantas, and you were for the first time in your life left speechless.

...That was not the response you had expected...at all.

"Karkat...While I am pleased to hear your opinions on the matter--overjoyed even-- by the fact that you had kept peeked interest in the conversation long enough to come up with such an... _informative_ response. I am quite disappointed in the shallow nature you seemed to have captivated. Surely a man such as yourself can appreciate speculation of a grander level. Even if the chances are slim, I disagree that the issues no longer exist just because--"

You were still trying to get your thoughts cranked out when you saw his eyes had been looking at the ground for a long time. Choking sounds and sniffles--was he crying? You lowered yourself to his level and gently clasped your hands over his shoulders.

"Karkat? Are you ok?"

He kind of shook you off as he started rubbing his eyes with his sleeve. You were starting to become very concerned, you weren't equipped on how to handle this sort of situation.

"We don't have to continue this discussion if it's affecting you so strongly, you've done better than anyone I ever of known in dealing with my..."

His eyes finally looked at you. They were glazed and shiny as doll eyes; as if made with gemstones. Yet, they scared you. They look so worn down, it was like you were staring into the eyes of The Sufferer himself. They looked like they were begging something of you that you didn't have to give. A strange feeling welled up inside of you-- you had never felt so strongly. This feeling even overpowered the feelings you got when giving a passionate conversation.

"I'm tired...of all of this. I'm afraid. I've failed as the only chance of survival for our race...and for my friends. I've failed everyone. Those stupid humans still might have a chance, but us... ?! We are just delaying the inevitable. Even if we kill Jack Noir, Lord English, The Condescension, and whoever else, it won't matter for us! It won't save us. We are just the ashes left behind of a sorry excuse for a race. The Galaxy will eat us all up, and then it will be like we never existed. Anything we might have learned, the big riddle of the universe we might have sold, are all just a waste. As if life was just laughing at us. Leading us on thinking we may have "made progress", only to be shot down with a big FUCK YOU!"

"Oh come now, you surely don't believe all that—you're just upset right now, it will all be—"

"DON'T YOU _FUCKING_ GET IT?" Your eyes sprawled open, both in alarm as well as hurt. This didn't seem like the Karkat you knew earlier. 

"NOTHING YOU'VE LEARNED WILL SERVE ANY PURPOSE TO **ANYONE**. OUR SPECIES IS DEAD. THANKS TO ME, YOU'VE WASTED YOUR FUCKING TIME ALL THESE MILLENIA. YOU'LL NEVER FIGHT ANY 'SOCIAL INJUSTICE.' THERE IS NO LONGER A SOCIETY TO FIGHT FOR!"

The words rang cold, it gave you shivers—you could forgive him for his harsh dialect for now, for he was arguably rather upset and it can get the best of any of us—but what he was saying was simply…simply…

"Karkat please, you're just speaking nonsensical now, why don't you just lay down for a while—"

"DOES VANTAS STAND FOR DUMBASS OR SOMETHING? ! DON'T YOU GET IT YOU IGNORAMT BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE OF AN INCARNATE? IT'S OVER! THERE IS NOTHING ANY OF US CAN DO ANYMORE EXCEPT WAIT LIKE SKITTY EYED SHEEP FOR THE OBLIVION THAT WILL BE RAMMED UP OUR ASS FOR ETERNITY. LET ME PUT IT INTO WORDS EVEN SOMEONE LIKE _YOU_ CAN UNDERSTAND. ALL OF THIS, MEAN'S NOTHING. YOUR FRIENDS KNOW IT, PORRIM KNOWS IT, MY FRIENDS KNOW IT, WE ALL KNOW IT! DEEP DOWN I THINK YOU KNOW IT TOO, YOU'RE EITHER JUST BEING STUBBORN ABOUT IT OR MAYBE YOU ARE JUST THAT PAINFULLY BLIND OF THE TRUTH. CAUSE I CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHER EXCUSE AT THIS POINT. MAYBE IF YOU GOT YOUR HEAD OUT YOUR ASS FOR LONGER THEN TO TAKE A BREATH, YOU'D UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR FRIENDS AREN'T UNCULTURED NUMBNUTS BUT ACTUALLY ARE MORE AWARE OF THE REAL TRUTH THEN YOU COULD EVER BE! YOU'RE JUST HOLDING ON TO A PIPE DREAM!"

He was breathing erratically at this point—his face looked as if stricken by fever; sweat and tears running down his face. His expression, while contorted rather harshly, showed something more than just anger. It showed pain. It showed guilt.

"Y-YOU WANT TO KNOW MY," he choked, giving the sound of a hic, "OPINION? LISTENING TO YOU FEELS LIKE MY BONES ARE BEING STRETCHED TO BRITTLE PIECES; TORN A PART LIKE FUCKED UP BROKEN PUZZLE. THE TRUTH IS, I AM LIVID WITH ENVY THAT YOU SEEM TO BE ABLE TO HOLD ON TO SOME TORCH OF HOPE, AND YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD! I FEEL WE SHOULD BE FUCKING SWITCHED, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT AS WELL OF DIED A LONG WITH THE NUMEROUS FRIENDS **I KILLED** BY MY INCOMPTENANCE! HOW DARE YOU BE ABLE TO BE CONTENT WITH EVERYTHING, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK!"

Then, it just hit you. It was hard, for you to take in the words he was throwing—they felt like bitter knives.A slap against everything you believed in. Memories of your friends hit you, dawning the same words in a more or less elegant manner. The whispers you had heard, from those not brave enough to say it to your face. You were supposed to be the one teaching him, but it seemed your pupil had out done the teacher. You gave a heavy sigh, but then, you smiled. You smiled the warmest smile you had, and you started,

"You know, I think you're indeed right about something. I have been wasting my research on the wrong subjects. It's a harsh truth, but I doubt they'll ever truly be able to fruit into anything…Satisfactory. Though I disagree with one thing Karkat," You grab his face with both of your hands and stare at his eyes discerningly. "If you truly had no hope, if you were truly as wrong and as much of a failure as you believe yourself to be, you would have died along with your fallen comrades. There was nothing stopping you, yet here your eyes are a refined shade of orange, while mine lay ominously pale. You're right Karkat. I am dead, and my time was cut short. But you're not a failure, and you are certainly not incompetent. You may have made mistakes, but you have fought through adversity alike, and your chapters are not even over. So don't talk as if you have fallen, when you're on the rise."

You kiss his tear stricken eye lids, he flinches, but doesn't reject you.

"You are a true leader, and I can speak for all versions of myself when I say, we're so very proud of you." You didn't realize it, but Karkat hadn't been the only one crying. It was so bizarre, up until this point you didn't even know the deceased could cry. But some sort of red liquid had colored your cheeks as he took that liberty to run into your arms and cry in your cotton sweater. All you heard him say was 'I'm sorry' but you just whispered comfort into his ear.

Your name was Kankri Vantas, and for the first time ever, you found your purpose in life…or afterlife. His name, was Karkat Vantas, and it was on that day, you broke your oath of celibacy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t originally going to make any more chapters to Pitiful Truth, it was just gonna be a one shot. My friend however wanted a continuation and I figured I could at least try and come up with something more to it…Forgive me, I’m still not completely confident in my writing of these characters asdfghkljl; Karkat seems so wimpy sob OTL But I hope you enjoy even so ;w;

You two had just been sitting there silently for a long time after Karkats breakdown. It was odd, but not entirely awkward. Actually, it felt rather soothing. You were holding on to him and had him in your lap. He wasn't facing you, you couldn't really make out what was on his mind at this point, but eventually, the silence broke when Karkat had decided to speak up.

"Y-You know...I've kind of just been wondering..." he paused, shifting positions to face you even though he wasn't directly looking at you, "what made you decide to go "celibate" anyway?...You had skipped over that topic in your tirade, I noticed."

Ah, not exactly what you expected to be asked but...well, you in normal circumstances would have avoided this conversation at all costs-- but at this point... you felt like you could at least open up to your pup--descendant, by at least this much.

"Hm, well it really was just a personal choice I suppose. To keep my mind affixed on the general social problems and stay level headed. Romance can be rather...distracting, for a lack of a better term. That, and well, I didn't really have much interest in it anyway." Or atleast, this was what you liked to tell yourself. The truth was, not only had you had an interest, as well as many _many_ urges. The only person you had ever considered wanting to fill any sort of quadrants with had been taken by another. But rather then dwell on that fact, you just went head deep into your studies in hopes of eliminating these bothersome feelings...Because lets face it, even if she didn't belong to Captor...Who would honestly fall in love with you? I mean really.

You gave a sigh as you noticed Karkat studying you, it was rather unnerving as you still weren't completely used to seeing non voided eyes in such a long time. You fidgeted a bit at this as you glanced away at him.

"You're not a very good liar Kankri," he said rather curt. You were taken aback by this as you bit your lip.

"Pardon?" You murmured, if there was one thing you didn't like, it was being called a liar... You put in your best efforts to make sure to be as truthful as you could--but you even knew when you were merely filled with hot air.

"Back there..when you had spoken to Latula...it felt to me like you showed great concern for her." You were about to object but he cut you off and continued, "I may not be good at many things, but I  exalt myself in my knowledge of romance. Even if they are based mostly from cheesy movies but...my point is, you like her don't you?"

You gave an even deeper sigh, even more then your disdain for being called a liar, you _hated_ when your emotions were so easily veiled. You liked to keep yourself at least somewhat aloof, and allow your words to be your only means of expression. Sadly, it's those same words that seemed to have bitten you right in the rear. Damn it.

"...I guess I've been caught," you finally say, in a surrendering sort of tone. "But it's really no more then just a flush crush...not like it matters honestly," you let your words fade a bit as you replayed all of the words you managed to keep inside. You gave a small chuckle in an ironic fashion as you breathed, "she could never possibly fall for someone like me," oh, woops. You caught yourself a little late as Karkat had already heard and had become unusually silent...It almost seemed like he was...sulking?

"So," he started, looking rather blankly at the floor, "we really are destined to be alone, aren't we?"

Those words, sent a harsh chill down your nerves. What hurt you even more was the look he had--a look of mere helplessness. Like that of a wounded beast. It hurt you so much, dare I say, it triggered you even. 

"Come now," you patted his head and combed your fingers through his hair, softly in a nurturing manner. Similarly as you remembered Porrim doing for you in your younger years. "That's not true, I merely made my choice to be this way...but there's nothing stopping your relationships."

"I'm pretty sure I already royally fucked up my chances of ever having her. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure she's already seeing someone else," he said in an almost detached manner. His eyes were glistening, he must have been fighting off crying again. He started sniffling in short bursts.

"Why aren't we allowed to be happy?"

Your heart near broke at this point. You couldn't stand this feeling welling up inside of you. You just wanted to hold him close and make all of those sad thoughts disappear.You had felt your heart thumping and your cheeks reddening...what was going on? 

"Karkat please...I'm quite content with my choices, and..."

There they go, a single tear looking towards your direction, you clasped your hands over his face and tried to wipe the hurt out of his eyes--with no luck. 

"Karkat...Please say something,"

This was becoming rather dangerous. Your faces were _dangerously_ close, you could feel his quickened breaths matching your own. Your head kept rearing slowly towards his.

"Karkat please..." You were afraid at what your body was urging. This intense feeling was not able to be so easily brushed off. It had happened, that you felt an intense pity for him. Shit.

"Kar--"

Soft. You felt something soft and salty enveloping your lips. His mouth was moist but not sloppily so; his hands had found their ways around your neck, pulling you closer. When he finally parted, he gave an alluring gaze and whispered,

"I think... we've said enough,"

You furrowed your brows but could no longer keep pushing back your desires. You kissed him back, more forceful then his. You nipped at the bottom of his lips, your teeth bringing out small streaks of that beautiful ruby color, as crept your hands down his back. Following down his spine, and grasping on to him for dear life. Was this real? You didn't want these feelings to go away. You lowered him on his back as your motions became more hungry with passion. You were considerably larger then Karkat, body frame wise. It made sense though, seeing as you were technically older. Your hands were bigger then his...but not by much. Vantas' were known for their delicate hands. His were grabbing on to your shoulders and slightly clawing at your back as you felt up his sides. You pushed up his shirt slightly to reveal his belly, he had a very faint pudge of baby fat, but it was quite cute. You kissed it rather gently as he gasped and his legs started to squirm. 

It was strange how even with your lack of knowledge on these sort of things--it all just kind of clicked when you were with him. You had yet to take off either of your clothes but were merely pressing your bodies on each other--essentially dry humping one another. You aimed your kiss at his mouth but it fell on his neck, and he wrapped his legs around you at this point, moaning sweet shrills of enjoyment. Both of your cheeks had turned rather rosy, his eyes were moist like earlier, but not out of sadness. Your stomachs pinned against one another felt indescribably hot. You were sure you were nearing your--

Suddenly, you no longer felt his warm breath on your skin. The body you had been intermingling with not so long ago had disappeared. You never realized how long you two must have been together, but it would appear that he must have...woken up.

So, once again, you had been left alone. Burning with emotions, only left with your mind and the sad, _pathetic_ realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, it took way longer to post this on here then it should have. If you saw this on tumblr, yes there are small changes I made. Mostly error fixing and a little more confidence with certain characters. I'll continue writing this eventually, and there will be more characters in the next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I really can’t believe I got out another part. This one has Kanaya, cries loudly into the sunset as I attempt Karkat. He really is a pretty challenging character to write for. I apologize ahead of time for any mishaps and stuff. Next chapter will be in Kankri’s POV, and essentially switching. So far I see 5 chapters in mind? But there may end up being more.

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you are PISSED THE FUCK OFF and have NO TIME for this running gag bullshit. Right now you only have time for one thing, and that is to yell at the top of your lungs,  swearing profanities to the cruel ornery gods that look down on your pathetic excuse of a person.

"GOD _DAMNIT_!"

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are **so** many levels of angry for so many different reasons. It takes you a minute to pull your shit together and sort everything out into several neat little piles in your brain,  so your dumbass can even figure out why! Ok, it started with a couple of things. The most obvious being the fact that you even fell asleep in the first place. You had one rule Vantas. One .Fucking. Rule.  Get your shit together, past you, God you just wanted to snatch your own face sometimes. You were the most irritating person you knew, and that was saying something. 

Secondly, oh groan, that meeting with your dancestor. Oh God your Dancestor. Oh God. Ok, starting from the top, you hated  him--or at least you desperately wanted to. He was an idiot, an asshole that stunk worse then you on your most foul days. He manipulated peoples possible issues in a way that made it appear like he cared, when he really just wanted to talk. If you attempted to call him out on it, he'd merely brush you off as paranoid or you being possibly oversensitive in such a roundabout way that made you want to bite off his tongue. 

That, however, was only at his worst. You also recognized his genuine concern for others well being in the long run, you  _suppose_. Which hardly meant anything considering all his friends were **dead**. But then again...So were yours. Shit, ok off that subject, before you start to mope--oh fuck, THERE'S another one. You will never be able to forgive yourself for that pathetic vulnerable display you presented earlier. You may be a whiny piece of shit, but only in the comfort of your own mind. You would be damned if anyone was allowed to catch you like that! Unfortunately for you, you had the privilege of pushing your perverted self-hatred on others so easily. You were a walking disgrace to everything that ever was...

But now, you just feel bad. Because now you're led to wonder if he's just as hard on himself as you are. There were obviously many similarities between you two, he is sort of an alternate you in some fucked way that you are not going to wrap your head around right now. Meanwhile, being that which was, your circumstances were also irritatingly similar. You never once claimed to be celibate, but you really might as well have, cause you were never going to get any, any time soon. Ever. Your quadrants were as broken as your session, and as bleak as your worth. Which was only made worse by the fact that it seemed like only you on this whole meteor even still thought from time to time about the people you use to call friends. Your fallen comrades and mistakes. Once the humans came into the picture, everyone else seemed to move along just fine, but you knew you never would-- that you never could.

Suddenly it seemed very easy to think of how Kankri might have fallen into himself. Burying himself in his silly civil affairs, while you drowned yourself in your past and movies. God, damn it, this was only making it worse. 

Not only did you allow yourself to be vulnerable...You... You lost control of yourself in every way, in ways you hardly knew you were capable of. You had every intention of fucking him back there, and this may have been a good thing you got pulled--because you are not sure you could handle having fucked your dancestor on top of all this shit. While you mentally thank the gods you cursed no more then a few minutes ago, your bonebulge writhed in protest. It was just as angry as you right now. For some unbearably cruel reason, he was fucking sexy. You would never believe it, no one could tell you in a million sweeps, but just the way he looked at you, and held you, and GOD. You might swoon. You might choke yourself if you swoon.

No.

This was not how this was going to happen. You were not feeling desperately in pity for your damn dancestor, and you certainly did not want to embrace him like a lover. You are just desperate, dumb, and oh goody--knocking. 

Can't even mentally monologue in peace.

"Karkat?"

That was a soft sound, you growled in protest for being interrupted from your thoughts--but quickly softened as you recognized who it was. It sounded elegant and maternal. Oh, Kanaya. You walked to the door, nearly tripping over those dumb horns, before opening the door unprepared and your guard completely down.

"What do you want?"

Her expression looked wary, she was staring at you pretty hard. You subconsciously went to rub at your face, did you fucking drool in your sleep too or something? But her gaze didn't seem to be fixated on anything in particular. You couldn't even imagine how shitty you must look right now. You felt equally so.

"I was just desiring to check up on you. Since we hadn't nearly talked so much a word in near half a sweep."

I wonder whose fault that was? Cause it's not like your ass had anything to do. Though to be fair, while Kanaya may or may not have been busy snogging Rose 24/7, it's not like you were outwardly putting out companionship vibes anyway. You saw the cliques everyone had managed, and accordingly went to stick with the only one you knew. Yourself.  

"Well, I've been busy." 

You lied. You didn't have shit to do, you're just too socially anxious and nervous and like anyone wants to deal with you. Kanaya was hardly amused, but surprisingly didn't push it. She just nodded and spout out the usual "if you need me we can always talk" babble you'd heard a thousand times before. Each was as hollow filled as a carved pumpkin on one of those stupid human holidays. 

You closed the door almost immediately, you really didn't want to deal with anyone else right now. You only wanted to hear the comforts of your own thoughts...Maybe if you were lucky you would dream of him soon. 

Oh for fucks sake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you trag for Beta’ing <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, this one was a longer chapter. Don't expect chapters this fast normally, I had an idea and ran with it. Maybe if I'm lucky it'll stay like this. But atleast it gets a little more steamy here. c;  
> ...
> 
> But not really ;c

_…What have you done?_

That’s the only words that could ring around your head. You were curled up in a ball, hugging your knees and just…staring. At what? Not a thing in particular— but oh were you focused. If no one knew any better, it would appear like you were having a staring contest with the wall. _And winning_. You were just that out of it. Stuck like this, hivebound or something just as trivial. You were at your hive, and that’s exactly where you’ve stayed...For a while. 

You couldn’t put a finger on time, what with how the dream bubbles worked. You do know, however, that you must have been here for a long time. Contrary to popular belief, while the dead don’t generally _need_ to eat, or _need_ to breath, and so on and so forth. You _do_ get cravings, and you _do_ get hunger pains. If you stay sweeps without showering, you _will_ smell, and if you don’t keep up with your appearance you will, simply…rot away.

It couldn’t have been that long though, you may not be one with time but…why it felt just like yesterday when you…and he…URGH, no no no, stop thinking about this! You will not succumb to anymore temptations! Look at where it’s gotten you! Alone, in your room, and feeling awkward.

…Actually that doesn’t sound very different in retrospect—but it _is_ different! Even if you were alone, and somewhat awkward with people, and everything in between—you at least had your sense of self! Your self  control! Your purity, and among all other things….Your confidence. 

But right now, you had none of that! You were an alien, to yourself and to others. How could you even face your friends the same way?? You felt like such a hypocrite! They had enough problems listening to you before, and they certainly wouldn’t want to listen to you now! Even though you had long given up on the prospect of _truly_ being able to coerce them. To have them see the way you do. However, it wasn’t like you to give up hope! Hope was the one thing you were stubborn about; you’d be driven mad without it. 

So where is the hope in this? Your dancestor must surely hate you, I mean, **you** hate you. You had finally found someone to confide in and relish in their attention, and you blew it. Even if he had seemed somewhat interested in” it”, you were the older one! You should have been more responsible! You let your bulge think in place of your common sense, and now here we are! Stuck at square one.

Great.

The night after everything happened was horrendous. As if to add salt to the wound, y-you had…You were so tense after everything, and it just wouldn’t go away. At first you simply ignored it—it usually went away on it’s own. You were only an eternal teenager after all, yeah you had urges before, most of them having to do with Latula. But this was...Just so much more intense! Latula was no better then a fantasy, a delusion, and at the end of the day she was never meant to be yours. Karkat? Not only did you already feel a strong connection with him, being that you are indeed semi-related to him, but he touched you, you felt him. You were so close to him, and he was so close to you.  It was truly divine….ly WRONG!

This can’t happen, you refuse. This has to quit! Ohh, but God even just thinking about it has gotten you squirming…Y-you’ve already screwed up…no point in making it worse…

You think this, but your hand is already creeping to your pants…

“Mnn,”  

This was the spot he touched you. That you both were…”Ngh,” You loosely thought about how he’d look. Was he smaller then you, or were you about the same? Was he thicker—did it seep through his clothes the same way yours did? 

“Hh—”  So much…You wished, as you tilted your head back. So much did you wish it was his hands and not your own. His chapped and slightly rough lips, against yours. It had tasted salty, must have been the tears, but yet it was so delectable—so…

“AhhH,”  There it went, your fingers crept around your nook. You were scared really, to put anything inside it. Instead, you just pushed and pressed around, whining as you felt lightning spark through your hollowed veins. You licked your lips, desperately gasping for him, needing him, feeling him. How would he look, panting underneath you, as you touched him in all the right ways to make him squeal. What would you do, if he took charge over you, and you were the one whom lay vulnerable? Would it result with gentle kisses across your chest? Would he take out his anger on you if he saw how you were now? Revulted and repulsed? Or... Would he be happy? 

That thought right there, drove you over the edge. Your eyes were shut as you envisioned him actually happy to see you, converse with you, spend time with you. That’s all you wanted, truly, “AH….” 

Plop.

You fell against the bed, sighing and trying to keep the room from spinning—you felt like you were a moment from passing out. It felt like bliss. It felt like—

“Way to go Kanny~”

…NO.

NO.NO.NO.

NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO!!!

Your eyes were shut, you are sleep, this is not happening, end of the line cruel jokes haha—fuck, you opened your eyes, squeamishly scanning wherever that AGGRAVATING sound came from.

…

Fuck your life.

_Porrim._

You did the one thing you could in this sort of situation. SHRIEKED TO FUCKING HIGH HEAVENS! You were the fawnbeast caught in the headlights of a human motor-vehicle  You had the speed of a meowbeast, with your eyes as widespread as a hoobeast. If your sweater was good for one thing, it was for stretching over you uselessly and covering your shameful bits. The trick was to get a small as possible, and hide in your cocoon until all the bad thoughts and bad situations went away, and scream as loudly as you could manage.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!”

Your singing voice was that of a soprano at times, you’re pretty sure it showed right now. You shifted in your sweater as you just heard chuckling from her end. As if things couldn’t get any worse.

“I came in to check on you, you know, like friends do for each other?” 

You did NOT have the methodical TIME to DEAL WITH THIS! 

“ReAL FRIENDS KNOCK!” Oh God your voice cracked. Today was just not your day.

“Normal people also lock their doors.”

Oh frick. You could have swore you…well, maybe it was for the best _she_ found you--rather than anyone else, you ponder…begrudgingly so. 

“So~?” She coo’d, sliding herself to sit by you, smirking up a storm as she closed her legs neatly and just burrowed her soulless eyes into yours. “Had fuuun~?”

What the FUCK kind of question is that?

“I-I am in n-n-no position to answer your d-dumb question..s..nm.” Smooth, you. Nailed it.

Her grin just stayed ever so present, as she clapped to herself. “I’ll finally have an excuse to make you something different, maybe switch it up a bit now and then. Show off your new confidence to eve—”

“Woah, woah, slow down Maryam. Get whatever thought you implanted in your head OUT this instant. In fact, remove this whole ordeal from your cranium. I would much rather not discuss this ever, in any given form or situation, and **especially** not with _you_ of all people. ”  You just folded your arms in your usual way, already coming up with a thousand and one words by the minute to defend yourself. “What I did was m-merely s-self exploration, and in no way makes me anywhere near _your_ level. I am still celibate and am in no way interested in sexual or romantic r-relations with anyone and—”

“Wow, cool it KanKan.”

“AND STOP WITH THE RIDICULOUS NICKNAMES, I AM NOT A WRIGGLER FOR FUCKS SAKE!”

“Jeeze Louise, Kankri calm down.” She moved her arm to pat your shoulder but LIKE HELL if you were getting touched right now! You jerked against her and near hopped to another side of the floor. 

“DON’T, touch me.”

She just gave you this really stern look, almost like she was hurt. Maybe you were being a bit harsh? But if she were in your circumstance right now, at this particular time, she’d surely understand…

“You know, Kanny?” She eyed you, moving to get up as she towered over you, her hands on her hips and brows furrowed. “This is some pretty Grade-A shit treatment for someone who just came to check up on you. Considering you’ve been gone for almost a whole sweep!”

…What?

You paused, had it really been that long?

“Believe it or not, people worry about you. I had assumed it was just you getting into your books or maybe you were writing more sermons. I come in to a messy room, having you look as if you hadn’t eaten in half a century, and you know, I, worry about you too! You might not want to believe it, but I really fucking care, and i’m sick and tired of you having no regard for MY feelings! Like I’m STILL getting treated like the bad guy!”  

She snarled, and continued.

“I’m sick of it Kankri, and you know what, fine, you obviously haven’t changed at all! Whatever, I’ll get out your hair. I’m gone.” She said this and threw something or another at you. She fast walked out the hive. A part of you urged you to run after her, but really…You just were really exhausted.

You suppose you’d make amends with her later. For now, all you could do was…

“zzz…”


	5. Chapter 5

This is a story all about how, your life got twist turned upside down, would say the great troll Will Smith if he narrated your putrid life. It would be funny except this is horrible, considering this isn't a show or a story, this is your life. As well as you currently being twist turned upside down. After yet another shitty experience with the HUMAN Dave, you find yourself gazing longingly at the wall, and are forced to look at your life as well as your choices.

  
Contrary to how this may look, you actually don't mind Dave's company that much. In fact,he's the only company you really get. Other than the occasional glimpses of Kanaya or the unfortunate glimpses of Rose anyway. Being a hormonal teenager is hard, it's hard, and nobody's alive enough to understand. Speaking of hormones, you had nearly forgotten your horrible run-in with your dancestor IF NOT FOR THAT LITTLE PUNKASS STRIDER.

"Yo, does this place seem soggy to you? Cause' we have been way overdue in checkin in one of those feeling jam rain checks." Said an annoyingly persistent Dave with a stupidly vivid literal way of talking. Kind of like yours. Maybe that's why you half hated him so much.

"I don't know Dave! Maybe you're finally feeling the suffocating musk of your own sweat glands hovering all over yourself in the claustrophobic orgy that is your insufferably huge ego! Yes why don't we sit down, chair upturned--and by chair I mean these huge uncomfortable stacks of books--as we talk about your primitive self and social issues. Come on, enlighten me. What catastrophic event has been happening in dear old can town? Let me guess, did Terezi lick all the name labels off the cans again? "

"Dude no, she learned her lesson after the mayor put her in can county jail. Actually it has nothing to do with t-rez or the mayor." Dave's mouth gave some sort of weird twitch, and he almost looked like he was biting his lip. Was he trying to think of how to word something?That was pretty odd for mister Dave "talk your ear off" Strider, but it was gone as fast as it came and he blabbered on, "Actually I was thinking you might a' wanted to uh, talk about what happened like two or so months ago?"

"Oh, excuse me as I sit here and I pour out my methodically well organized list of all the things that have happened to me in the past hmmm, one sweep? Let me just pull out my metaphorical calendar and--oh! What's this? Apparently shit to nothing has happened to me in the last several millennium I spent here on this meteor! Who would have thought! Unless you're referring to something much less important, such as that one out of a thousandth time I've caught you embarrassingly rapping to yourself, or maybe that inkling of a moment that I actually saw Gamzee but it was just a smudge on my Cornea! Well Strider, it looks like you'll have to be more specific, cause my mental database can't pick up anything interesting that's happened in the past _day_ no less the two human months I've spent with your glorious sentience."

"Bro, first off so much sick shit has happened on this meteor. Hell it was so ill, we're probably all infected with this grave disease and our only hope will be if there is some inkling of a nurse at this new session or whatever. Shit is high levels of--"

"Oh my nook whiffing GOD don't you even START with this shit and just tell me what you meant!" Barring your teeth, Strider had another thing coming if he thought you were in the mood for his NORMAL TOMFOOLERY. You woke up on the wrong side of the respite block, literally so, you've been having headaches for days and haven't managed to catch a wink of sleep lately. Probably due to all the nightmares you've been bombarded with lately.

"Wow, can't a guy get his metaphorical lyrics on without getting a face full of crab? No but listen, I mean like you've just seemed a bit off or something. Like somehow you got even more snappy and uh...Well...antisocial? Not trying to helicopter mom you or anything but, I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk about anything in particular, no pressure though."

Who did this prick think he was, like he's any better!...Well I guess he has a girlfriend and the mayor so he is substantially better off, but still what a fuckwit to just assume! As if he can just waltz into your life and try to act like he's the best friend that you've always secretly wanted ever since Sollux fucked right the fuck off and left you here... Fuck.

"For your information I have had PLENTY of a social life, in fact I should invite you to the human marriage ceremony as I complete the interwoven pityspades affair of that of me, myself, and..." Shit, you could barely finish that sentence as your thoughts wander to THAT ONE ASSHOLE. "I..." Now your face was all red as the repressed memories started flooding back, and SUDDENLY you were looking for the closest exit to abscond. Of course Dave noticed something and walked a bit closer to you as you averted your eyes. You could feel those dark pretentious hipster shades staring you down, and your cheeks were burning like you just walked out of your hive at the suns worst cycle.

"Uh huh. No but seriously, this is the shit I'm talking about. You're acting all...weird. Like you're barely sassing me up like you use to, I kind of thought we had something going on man, you know? Plus you've stopped bothering me about TZ. At first I got the impression you were trying to give us some privacy or something, but it's just really off is all. Psychology stuff isn't really my deal, but our only doctor is off the fucking clock and too drunk off her ass to be any level of useful."

"I'm sorry my snark isn't GOOD enough for you, I'll let you know the next time when you have ANY influence on what I ever have to say or do. You might as well stay on hold, cause that call wont be coming any time soon!"

"Thanks bro. Also,why is your face all flushed or whatever the troll equivalence of blush is?"

"My fucking face is fine! Why don't you bother someone else!!" This only makes your face even redder though.

"Oh you are so not getting off the hook."

"I will TEAR MY WAY THROUGH THAT HOOK WITH MY FANGS!"

"What fangs? Those are blunter than a spoon." He pokes at your mouth for emphasis and you can't help but snap at him like a wild turtle beast.

"Eat a sack of human dicks Dave!"

"Psh, flattery will get you nowhere young man."

"Fuck off we're the same age! I AM YOUR GOD."

"Oh boy here we go again on this the metaphorical train, choo choo."

"I hope you get tied to train tracks!"

"Woah that's pretty kinky Vantas, I didn't know it was this kind of train."

If you weren't already use to Dave's dumb antics you'd be pretty much hate snogging him right now. Instead you grit your teeth and let out a huff, face slightly reddened as you let your mind wander to other snogging thoughts. God you think of him once and suddenly your mind gets bombarded with imagery.

"You're an idiot Dave." Once again you see him quirk an eyebrow, and you literally just want to snatch it off.

"Oh my God you're really in to that aren't you?"

"Stop putting words into my mouth!"

"I could put something else in your mouth,"

And there he goes, the infamous brow waggle. The resemblance between him and Rose is really uncanny. You end up giving him a small irritated growl. "Are you done?"

"Yeah I guess. Want a hug or something?"

Now YOU'RE the one quirking a brow, but just roll your eyes and open your arms boredly. He goes and embraces you for a moment, it's pretty comforting until YOU'RE SUDDENLY UPSIDE DOWN. THE GIRLIEST SHRIEK COMES OUT YOUR MOUTH AS YOU START CURSING DAVE OUT. "FUCKING HELL WHY DID I EVEN TRY SHIT DAMN MOTHERFUCKING ASS HORSEMULE BUTTMUNCHING PIECE OF SHIT--ARGH!!" You think you hear snickering from his end, at least you would think so but your ANGER is WAY TOO LOUD for you to hear anything but pure rage. GOD DAMN FUCKING RINGING IN YOUR EAR PIECE OF SHIT RRGGHH.

So now you're back to where you started, and you think you're losing blood all out of your arms and legs. Suddenly passing out feels like a really great idea and you do just that without any actual consent on your part because that is how this normally works.

"zzz..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOaah, sorry for the long wait, but here it finally is! I worked on this on and off school, it's funny how when you don't have the time you feel the most compelled to do these sort of things. Karkats still hard to write and Dave is still not under my belt, I tried so I hope you like my effort!  
> And the next chapter will have some actual vantascessness <333 will there be porn? We just don't know.
> 
> I'm thinking there will be more chapters then just 6 after all, I don't exactly have an end idea yet. We'll just have to wait and see.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooah, this is the longest chapter I think I've made? Hot damn, I wrote most of it in like a day or two, but Cronus had me stuck. I tried to be as descriptive as I could--and may have possibly been inspired by certain Vantascest stories. Hnngh, anyway, yay they get to meet again. I want to write more dialect for them?
> 
> So many difficult people to write, Latula was easy enough but Cronus, HOW DO QUIRK. IT MAKES NO SENSE asdfghjkl;'  
> But enjooooyy~!

Your eyes felt heavy, they felt heavier then your heart and heavier then the resonating guilt that rang high pitched in to your ear. As the water dripped down your nose, eyes, cheeks and lips, it had become apparent of how out of it you were. Porrim kept to her word, you couldn't be sure of how much time had passed since your quarrel. An hour? A day? Possibly even longer? It was all subjective, and you knew it wouldn't matter--it didn't matter. You felt lost, you needed some sort of epiphany, some sort of sign. You needed...you needed _him_. Your heart was throbbing, this didn't surprise you, it did this occasionally. Latula made your heart sing like this plenty enough, even thinking of her name gave a small flutter in your stomach.

But it wasn't the same now...

You still felt it, oh your Lord did you feel it.

But it was... _different,_  somehow. It felt like a happy memory that had passed-- _nostalgic_ even-- but not the least bit heart wrenching as it once was. You still remember how it felt, how it had been suppose to feel. But it just doesn't.

Your hive was no stranger to your cries and moans; your raged filled curses and your broken down sobs as you thought of her. How perfect she was, how beautiful and how much you would do just to be able to let her sweet smile gaze at your form just once. Not the one she gave to everybody, but the one she gave to those most special. The one she gave to him...

How you had wished you were him.

Bang, bang, thud. The blows you put to your head in your pathetic attempts to clone him. You caught yourself using slurs and saying everything you would never allow anyone to ever hear come out your mouth. You mimicked Cronus's crude expressions--you were no fool, you know what he said to and about Mituna when he thought no one was aroud. It made you sick, not because of how wrong it was, triggering, or anything else that you were use to preaching. You felt sick cause you _agreed_ , you agreed, and the very thought of you being so horribly hypocritical made you weak kneed with shame.

It was torture, loving her.

These were the moments you felt pangs of black.

You **hated** her. You hated how much she tormented you, how she could give herself away to someone so _atrocious_ and who could hardly think for himself. Was someone so empty minded that much better then you? Would it be so _terrible_ to glance just a small shred of pity towards you?

These were the times you felt the most sick.

You were disgusting. A coward and pathetic. The knot in your stomach would flip, no you couldn't hate her. You couldn't even hate Mituna. But oh could you hate yourself, and how much you truly, truly did. No matter how insufferable you were to your friends, there was no one in the world who felt more suffocated then you. These were the most frequent, and you'd lay in bed ranting to yourself about yourself. You would rant yourself to sleep at your worst and wake up feeling a lifetimes worth of exhaustion. It was so hard living with you, and it was harder existing in death as yourself too.

But you managed.

You managed fairly well in your defense. No one was any wiser to the things that went on in your head, all alone. Not even Porrim, not fully anyway. She saw glimpses, surely. When you've known someone as long as you did her, it's unthinkable to think that there weren't small breaths of slips, small curses and longing glances that gave you away. But she never knew the full extent, you would never allow her to know.

...But maybe you would let _him_ know? Or maybe you wouldn't even have to. A part of you feels like he might understand better then anyone. Does this run through the course of our mutant skin? Was this our damnation? Or were we just that pathetic, that we didn't have the energy to muster up pity, so all we had left in ourselves was hate...?

Drip. Your water had long turned cold. The shower head kept dusting your face and body with tiny droplets as it rid down your body. There were many days where you couldn't tell the difference from the drip of the shower and those from your eyes. Today there was none of that. Just silence that echoed the house, it stood still. Your occasional breaths were the only thing reminding you that someone was present. That you yourself were here.

_You needed to see him soon._

You got up carefully, you didn't need to slip, and you certainly were in no actual rush. This was far fetched to think that you might be able to catch him again. Why would he want to see you? He probably hated you at this point, or even possibly doesn't even remember you. You thought passively about this as you dried your hair and ears off. You longed for him, of something you were too scared to be able to materialize into words. There was a heavy part that pitied him, so heavy that if it was a physical object it would shatter every bone in your body with the pure intensity alone. You felt it everywhere, in your chest to your lungs, from the tingles of your spine and the raw dull aching of your throat. Latula was like a dull throbbing ache, where Karkat was a rough ground breaking realization. You truly were head over heels for him, and it scared you.

You walked barefoot across your room, going through your routine. You had let yourself deteriorate, but Porrim was right, this wasn't acceptable on any grounds. You brushed your hair and winced, it was knotted, starting to mat up. Your hair was always difficult, let it fester for one day and it would take a week to get it back to how it was. You had resolved to never let yourself go like that again, but now you didn't look much different from Karkat. That drove shivers down your nerves as your hand trembled. You continued painstakingly brushing and fighting with your hair; many clumps fell out, but your hair was thick enough that nobody would be able to tell. You cleaned up the mess and once you started you were re-organizing and dusting your whole room. It was nerves, maybe, probably. You were scared of leaving your hive, and weren't sure how you would manage if you bumped in to any of your friends. It's not like this didn't need to be done, but you scrubbed away your anxiety, until you realized you were still half naked. Your stretchy fashionably long pants were the only thing keeping yourself contained. It felt easier to work this way, but if you were going to go out, you'd need your sweater. You needed every shield and shred of normalcy you had to your disposal. You stared at it for a moment, before slipping it over your head and stepping out towards your kitchen. Food was another thing you hadn't had in a while, your stomach roared at you as winced and clutched over it.

As you went about trying to make something at least half way decent, you couldn't help but gaze outside your window. You briefly consider moving your food upstairs to eat at your watchtower. This would prove to be a good compass to avoid your friends, but you'd just end up just staying there for far too long. Catching up on the latest gossip and what not. Ever since the "incident", you just haven't had the heart to go up there; you hadn't had the heart to do very much of anything.

You put the dishes in the sink, promising yourself to clean it later when you get back, and take a deep breath as you walk outside your hive for the first time in what was at least several sweeps.

You _hiss_. The sun hurts more now then it ever has. You walk onward however, keeping your eyes squinted and nose scrunched at the overload in sensory. Slow inhaling and exhaling, reminding and coaxing yourself "baby steps Kankri."

You have no actual direction, you have an idea of where you want to be, but no means to actually get there. Walking throughout memories is like swimming against a current. You never feel any closer to your destination, and you get bombarded with irrelevant ones until you're suddenly just there. No logic, no shortcuts. Just letting your feet and will carry you.

"Heeeey it's Kankles!"

Oh no. You could recognize that dulcet voice anywhere. The cogwheels of your body stop, and your mind is now just a haze. You thought you were over her, but now that you're seeing her run to you _slowly_ , like in one of your guilty romantic literatures, time feels stagnant. Your efforts meaningless; barriers completely fallen as you choke out the words to speak.

"H-hello Latula," you cough, pathetic "you look well."

"Yeah! Wow I haven't seen you in aaaaagggess dude!"

Her smile, God, when she smiled the sun seems like it reflected off of her. She punches your arm playfully and you can't help but let out a squeak. You were barely use to her roughhousing before, and you _certainly_ aren't use to it now.

"Ooh, sorry buddy! Are you ok?"

"Fine...It's alright." You shoo her hand away, holding on to your arm. It's throbbing some, but that could just be your overall nerves. "I actually," you take a gulp and keep your gaze low "have somewhere to be. Maybe we can, uh, talk another time?"

She blinks at you, in what seems like forever. Her pouty lips hang slightly agape, but her smile comes back into play soon after. Her eyebrows taking on more of a mischevious form.

"Wow, Porrim was right. You really have changed! I won't hold you up tho', I actually was about to try and test out my new sick railing trick!" She presses her foot to her skateboard as emphasis, flipping it gracefully into those delicate arms-- "We'll catch up again later though right?"

She wants to talk to you? Your ears tint red and you choke out a weak, "Yeah" and kick your legs back into gear. Fast walking and barely keeping your eyes on wherever the hell you're going. You're such a damn fool, it's disgusting how easily you melt with her around. Your mind sloshing around with fresh images of her, was it a new lipstick she was wearing? Lightly tinted a cerulean shade? You shuddered, but your mind wandered, blood pumping as you thought of those lips, dragged across your skin. Stop it--you chastise yourself--but the imagery continues, harassing and mocking you. Red and teal, invoking your senses; you can almost taste him--her? _Her_ lips and your knees buckle as you drop down to a halt. Panting as your mind takes turns, the light cold touch of her gloved hand; contrasting with the warmth and roughness of his. It's maddening, irrational-- you're going insane. You _are_ insane. You--You... 

You hear footsteps, but you can't bear to bring your head up to look at who it belongs to. All you can do is cover your mouth and try to get yourself and those acursed thoughts settled down. Trying to wipe the exhaustion off your face, you freeze as you hear the person yell out to you.

"Ey', evvrythin alright?"

Cronus, a bit of a mixed blessing. There is no bigger bonebulge kill. 

"Fine. Everything is fine."

You get up, wobbling, trembling even, your nerves still haven't caught up with your mind. Cronus's face seems rather unreadable, he looks bemused, as if he doesn't know what to make of you.Good, cause you don't either.

"You don't look too vell' chief. You been eating a lot lately?"

"Fine, good, yes.Can we speak another time or--"

Suddenly he's right in front of you, his hands gripping the sides of your arms. When did he get so close? You flinch on reflex, but he's holding on to you so firmly that you barely have enough room to breathe. His cigarette hangs lopsidedly from his lips, and he takes it out as he feels it start to slip and stuffs it in his jean pocket.

"What's the hurry Kanny?" He straightens you out, you feel his chilled hand on your head and his fingers run right behind, your ears-- is he taking your temperature? Doesn't he realize that you both have different thermal reading procedures? You almost laugh out loud at this prospect, until your faces are just a _little_  too close. His dulled down nails-- not as well pedicured as your own, but good enough to pass as "human" you suppose--tickle your jaw. You snap back in to reality and put one foot forward as your other skids. You push away from him, rebuilding up those walls that Latula helped bulldoze. Your strength comes back--grip firm, as your hands clench either side of his arms.

"I am in _no_ mood Cronus, for your--your soliciting! _Please_ look elsewhere for your...gratuitous needs of companionship, and cease this...whatever you're doing!" You release him, and straighten out your composure. Mentally calming yourself before you start back on your way. And by start, you do mean run. You think you hear a faint "w'vvait" but your heart is too busy pounding as your feet carry you farther and farther away from all of it. You aren't really paying attention to where you're going, just that you're going. It all feels like forever and no time at all when your feet finally stop, and you drop to your knees panting. You lay across something, it's nice, and kind of warm. You let out another sigh, the wind tickles your nose as you start to think that you might just fall asleep. The sound of crunching leaves disturbs your train of thought, your eyes dreary and foggy fixtate on where the sound is coming from. A smile drawing to the corners of your mouth as your brain starts making sense of the frazzling images.

"Hey...You're not _dead_ are you?"

You can see his mouth fighting back a smile at the ridiculously offensive and absolutely dumb joke. Your remark, however, surprises you at how easily it spills out,

"Actually, I feel quite more alive then I have in eons."

And you smile the most genuine smile you ever have since your death. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kankri turns into Karkat and Karkat just doesn't even know how to deal.

"So..."

The air was filled with a long drawn out pause, silent, but not uncomfortably so. It felt as if there was so much to say, but at the same time no real need to say anything at all. Eyes falling closed, sighing in slow shallow breaths and just waiting... existing. Swishing air in your cheeks before replying,

"So." 

"How are you?" 

The corner of your mouth twitched, what a doozy of a question. How do you tell him "it was horrible without you" without sounding desperate? I missed you, I was waiting for you, please don't leave; all the thoughts in your head falling short in your throat.

"Better." Is all you manage to spit out. 

"You look like shit." 

Tactful. Couldn't except any less from your sweet kind, and gentle dancestor.

"You do too." 

He snorts, wiping his hands across his face. Is he nervous? You feel quite the opposite. Him being here has lessened your nerves remarkably so. It's so nice... your mind and your body at a decent calm for once. Just his presence, has affected your temperament so strongly. It all just feels so...

"Kankri." Your eyes snap, and he's kneeling down next to you. When did he get over here? You really must be losing it. "I can leave if you need to slee--"

"No!"

The fear that rang through you was chill inducing. Eyes desperate to meet his, before settling down and saving face, "No, I'm happy you're here.." You softened, and chanced your fingers to ever so lightly brush against his. He doesn't flinch, does he even notice?

"You..." He looks...In a lack of better terms. Constipated. You laugh. Out loud!

"What the hell is so funny?"

"Your face, it's just--" You make the grossest mucusy snorting noise in the history of ever. You can't help it that you're busting up a gut. Maybe this is just your nerves taking on a different form? But you just can't stop laughing. In any other circumstance--hell in this circumstance-- it would be considered completely and utterly rude. Yet for some reason you can't find any means of sympathy for him, all you can mutter up is more laughter and smile induced sobbing.

"Well douchebag, we have basically the SAME FUCKING FACE. Secondly, what the FUCK is so amusing about our outlandishly horrid features? I mean I've heard of things being horribly laughable before, but wow this is just a bit much don't you think? What I'm trying to say is calm the fuck down Kankri."

Oh God you haven't laughed like that in ages, your eyes are watering, and your disposition may be letting a few sneaky tears ripple down the seams. You have never been the touchy feely type, but suddenly you just have an urge to hold him. And you do. Hugging him close as if he was the best friend you haven't seen in years. And really, you haven't.

"I'm sorry...Karkat I'm a mess, forgive me." You feel him stiffen, but he relaxes if not just a little, and grunts out his disapproval before returning the hug.

"You're damn right you are you...ugh." His grip on you is tight, he must have missed you too. That thought alone makes you smile, and you both just stay like this for a while, before he leans off and gives you a mixed feeling of agitation and worry.

"Is there something on your mind Karkat?" You really are trying to hold back from touching him too much, but God is it tempting. You stuff your arms into your sleeves and his eyes go down, as if searching the grass for an answer before looking back up at you.

"You know what's on my mind shit for brains. Unless your mind is literally shit for brains and i'm just making a BIGGER ass of myself." He rubs his neck awkwardly, and you read between the lines.

"You remember?" You can feel a flutter tickle the inside of your throat as a small smile crosses your features. You don't remember normally smiling this much in conversation, if at all.

"I wouldn't talk to you if I didn't nookstain!"

In your opinion, you'd think that'd be all the reason not to talk to you, but you let that stay in the inner chambers of your mind. Your face swiftly changing from that of hopeful enlightenment to a much more grave expression, as your eyes settle to look at his feet.

"I'm sorry. It was very inappropriate of me to...take advantage of you like that in that time. The way I--"

"Kankri. Stop making me look like a god damned defenseless barkbeast. If ANYONE should be sorry it's me, I mean I wouldn't ask anybody to have to deal with that shitty displ--"

"Karkat I must ask you to please keep the self depreciation to a minimum, it could possibly trigger some--"

"Oh NO. Don't you fucking START!" He grabs both sides of your face, and presses your cheeks together. You look and feel ridiculous. "AND STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!"

"Krrkht, phlease unhnnd mmh."

"Will you fucking let me talk??"

You nod dumbly, and he releases his fingers. You're pretty sure his nail imprints left a mark, and you just rub at it irritated.

"You really didn't have to do that."

"I don't think you hear yourself half of the time! You're like a vehicle on overdrive once you start talking. No one can get a BREATH in, much less a word. It's like talking is your gag-reflex and you just keep going and going and--"

"I know," You lean in next to him. "so do you." He leans back. His eyebrows lower but he doesn't retort you like you would have expected him to. Then once again, the air is filled with silence. You can feel him messing with a thread in his shirt, eyes fixated to nothing in particular. He looks lost in thought, and you wonder what could possibly be troubling him so. You consider speaking when his eyes meet yours and a sudden heat fills your cheeks.

"You're staring at me."

God, you didn't even realize, he probably thinks you're extremely creepy. The color in your cheeks become deeper as you turn your eyes away.

"Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize." You can feel him glance at you again, as if he's studying your face, "And there's no need for you to be so uppity, like a god damn hopperbeast."

 

_Did he just call you a hopperbeast?_

 

"I take strong offense to what your implying. I'm not being "uppity" as you so eloquently called it, i'm merely being mindful of your feelings-- forgive me if that's so inherintantly wrong."

"You're almost exactly acting like a hopperbeast, or like a fawncreature who was caught in the headlights. It's aggravatingly adorable, and I'm asking you to quit it."  
Did he just call you...??

Your faces almost match in color at this point as more silence drifts between the two of you. This one being the most strained as you glare down at somethingor another. You can not BELIEVE, you are highly disgruntled at this description of your character. Not only that...Was he just flirting with you? Did he really just...?

"I must say Karkat, what you consider to be 'adorable' is rather queer at best, but I think you'll find that your acclamations are simply way off base. I suggest on your next optometrist trip you get your eyes especially checked as I wouldn't want anything of misfortune to have happened to them."

"Oh you are so full of shit."

You were about to remark back, but suddenly your faces become extremely close together, and you get a familiar feeling that creeps down your spine. His hand grazes behind your ear and runs down the side of your jaw as he brings your lips together. You're at a complete loss for words, but his touch is surprisingly gentle, and you can't help but soften as you return the gesture. Your hand fumbling on top of his as your lips continue to work in small rhythmic motions. You feel his body topple over you as he presses your back to the grass, his hands finding themselves down your waist as he breathes,

"Yeah, definitely a fawncreature."

Your brows knit together and send glares straight towards him. "I'm of no such thing, and I'm going to have to ask you to cease or desist or--"

"Or what? Does this trigger you Kankri? _Are you triggered?_ " You can hear the scorn in his voice, and the fact that he is making jokes about triggers is absolutely detestable. You scoff in absolute disbelief, and you figure that if he's going to play these sort of games, he will be DAMNED if he believes he will honestly outplay you.

"YES, as a matter a fact it DOES. And if you keep it up, I might not ask so NICELY next time."

"Well that's just a damn shame isn't it." And there he goes, back on your lips, but this time with much more force. You hear a growl come from your throat as you bite down, breaking the skin to add another layer to his chapped lips. He gets more cheeky with his actions, as his knee settle between your legs. Your eyes stay focused on his and your arms wiggle their way to his back tugging at him; breathe heavy and fueled by aggravation. For a moment you felt a strange sense of...black?

"You're acting atrociously."

"You need to stop talking so God damn much."

"I will NOT--" You squeak, feeling nails scratch at your sides. You feel your face flush and bite your own lip. He was just flirting black with you. As if this wasn't confusing enough, between the extreme pity of both pale and red alignment, now he's waxing spades? You are supposed to be CELIBATE for Beforan sake, HOW DID YOU END UP HERE? "Karkat! Do you understand what you're possibly causing us both by vehemently insisting on fluctuating quandrants like this--?"

"Quadrants? You're going to talk to ME about quadrants?"

You SQUEAK again, did he just BITE you? You huff out your nose and take a chunk of his hair in your hands as you pull.

"KARKAT!"

"OW, WHAT?"

" **STOP**."

His glaring eases slightly, but he still hisses as your hand is still tugging at his hair and your nails might be digging in to his scalp.

"Shit, OW, fuck what's the problem?"

" _The PROBLEM????_ " You clench your teeth, eyes livid that you even have to explain what's wrong to him. If you were a teapot, you would be about to tip over as you start,

"I THINK THE PROBLEM WOULD BE VERY TO CLEAR TO ANYONE WHO HAD HALF THE WITS AND BRAINS THAT YOU DO, BUT MAYBE I OVERESTIMATED YOUR CAPACITY FOR ANY POSSIBLE EMPATHY, IN WHICH _I APOLOGIZE_. SO LET ME EXPLAIN THIS IN A WAY THAT EVEN A GRUB COULD UNDERSTAND. BELIEVE IT OR NOT MY CELIBACY IS STILL QUITE IN TACT, AND WHILE YOU MAY HAVE NO SUCH RECOLLECTION OF EVERYTHING THAT MAY OR MAY NOT IMPLY, FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS LIVED AN EXISTENCE AS LONG AS I HAVE ALONE, YOU WOULD HAVE GARNERED SOME SORT OF COMFORT INTO KEEPING UP THE LIFESTYLE CHOICE TO WHICH I HAVE RESIGNED MYSELF TO. BUT EVEN SOMEONE LIKE I HAS HAD PREFERENCES ON HOW, AND IF, IT WERE TO BE BROKEN, THE LOGISTICS AND FEELINGS BEHIND IT, THE CIRCUMSTANCES ALONG WITH MANY OTHER TRIVIAL THINGS. IF YOU THINK FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE KARKAT THAT I AM NOT TRIGGERED BY YOUR BLACK SOLICITATIONS LET ME PUT THE BREAKS TO THAT CHOO-CHOO CATASTROPHE BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD FUCKING WRONG."

"YOU ARE MY DESCENDANT. AND YOU ARE MY ALTERNATE ANCESTOR. WE ARE NOT FUCKING ANIMALS, AND I WILL NOT BEHAVE IN SUCH A WAY FOR A MINUTE, IF YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME FOR SOMEONE MORE VILE THEN PLEASE NEVER FUCKING LOOK AT ME AGAIN, BUT I WILL NOT BREAK MY VOWS JUST FOR SOME CHILDISH, WIGGLER, ONE-UPMANSHIP, AS IF TO SAY I WOULD NEED SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INSULTING AND..."

You took a sharp inhale, you were shaking at this point, and your adrenaline was starting to slow down. You could barely even see him, you were looking through him and your vision was blurred with the fog of tears. Your throat felt clumped as you forced out the last of your rant. "And I don't want to be that way with you Karkat."

You were a fucking moron, you were crying and you were pathetically, deeply, and completely, in absolute scarlet red for him. It hit you like a wave, but it felt clear as day as you could barely look at him without wanting to throw up. You covered your mouth and openly sobbed as it all came crashing down, and you felt like he was going runaway and loathe you, be disgusted by you, turn away from you, treat you the way your 'friends' do. For a moment you almost thought he had left you already, but the feeling of arms wrapping around your body alerted you otherwise. You couldn't help, but smile through your snot nosed whimpers as you let your head rest in his chest and close your eyes. He didn't say a word, which was nothing new, but it left you curious, and you wanted to ask him what was on his mind and you wanted to apologize for yelling, but even if you wanted to, your throat felt hoarse and the more you tried to talk, the more you wanted to cry.

"Sshh..." He was petting your head and rubbing your back, and it felt so nice that you let out little rumbles that buzzed through the air. "Sorry."

His apology make's you smile, and you nod, but still can't bring yourself to reply. Wanting nothing more to enjoy his hands and body heat. Hoping the memory will be burned into the inner depths of your mind so you can callback on it whenever needed.

"Hey, uh, listen..." You peaked up at him as you noticed his hands stop. He seemed guilty and a bit anxious, rubbing the back of his and sighing to himself. You wondered what he's thinking about so hard..."I think you look a lot better in red then in black anyway."

At first that comment goes over your head and it takes you a little while for your mind to wake up, when OH. _Oh._ You hide your face more into his stomach and mumble out some sort of garbled 'thank you.' Does this mean that he's ok with you like that? Is he feeling flushed feelings alongside you? Could that mean that they're possibly......?

"Shit. Kankri I, uh."

"Yes?"

"I think I'm waking up."

"Oh." Your face droops. It's not like you didn't realize this was going to happen at some point. You could complain that it was too soon, but you knew better. You were greedy, and even if he stayed his whole life it would never be enough so long as there was any guarantee in him leaving.

"Hey, I'll come right back alright? Don't look like such a wounded barkbeast."

"I'm not a wounded barkbeast." You grumbled and mumbled. You knew you were pouting, you also knew were acting childish as you gripped him tighter in a vain attempt of keeping him right where he was. You must have been starting to irritate him, as he loosened your arms grip from his waist. You consider getting up entirely when he kisses your cheek with such a gentle tenderness, you may not have felt it if you had tougher skin. For once you were truly glad for your mutation.

"Bye."

"Goodbye Karkat."

It isn't long after that before he disappears, but the imprint of everywhere he was is still hot. You touch the part of your cheek that he kissed and smile as you curl up into yourself. You may have been sad to see him go, but you're heart felt so fulfilled that you figured whatever wait would be worth it. You were happy. You were genuinely happy.

_Somebody liked you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS, cause like wow apparently it's not just one person who enjoys this fic anymore. THERE SEEMS LIEK QUITE A LOT AND I'M BLUSHING SO THANK YOU ALL??? FOR LIKING THIS???? AND ESPECIALLY FIRST FAN WHO IS STILL A FUCKING FAN, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
> 
> I really need to wrap this up but everytime I think I can just end this I think of something else that can happen?????? and DAMN am I slow. 
> 
> They haven't even done the frickle frackle yet I am so ashamed.  
> Watch them end up doing it at the last chapter  
> Watch me be that grimy.  
> I think I'm going to be that grimy.


End file.
